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[21 Jul 2006|11:41pm] |
I haven't writ in a short spell, but child, your granny ain't out of writing yet! Why, back in my day, we wrote eight WHOLE diaries in one hour and when we were done with that, we didn't get a break, no siree! We had to sit around and chuck corn.... with one hand! And you know what we'd do with the other hand? We'd scrub the floor, mop the walls, feed the dishes and wash the dog! And you know what else? We NEVER COMPLAINED! Not once! Not even half of a time! Not even 1/800000000000th of 12/160000000th of a time! And you know what else? If we used that many zeros, we'd get kicked in the shins! The only reason I can waste them now is because I've been saving up for two hundred years!
Something else I've been saving up for 200 years... pennies! I took eighteen Glad bags to the bank today and stood in line for fourty-two and a half minutes weeks counting them - thank bejebus for my robot arm - and would you believe it, this woman behind me actually had the nerve to complain about standing in line? Well, of course you know I had to turn around and tell her a story!
I said, "Back in MY day, we had to stand in line just to get into the line! And when you got into that line, there was another line to get to the middle of the line and then you had to wait in line to get to the front of the line and when you got to where you were supposed to be, there was another line just for the hell of it! And if you got out of line even once, there was a line for people who weren't in line and then you had to wait in line just to get back into line to get into the line!" and she shot me in the tit - thank the lord for my robot bra - and the bullet bounced off and hit her plum in the eye and you know what I said, "Back in my day, we didn't have any plums..."
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[02 Jul 2005|10:42pm] |
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Van and Schenk - Don't Bring Lulu |
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I'm sure you've heard that dangnabbited poem "There Was An Old Woman", but in case you whippersnappers haven't, I'm going to sit you down and read it to you.
*ahem* *cough cough gag dry heave*
Sorry about that. The pipes are a little rusty.
There was an old woman who swallowed a fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
That's a lovely thought, ain't it? Let's talk about killing the heffer off in the first verse! I tell you, back in my day, we respected our elders, because they were dinosaurs! I tell you, big whopping dinosaurs with humongous teeth ready to devour helpless children and colored folks!
There was an old woman who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
I tell you one thing, little writer of this poem! An old lady would know better than to eat a spider because that's just asking for trouble! You don't know what all kinds of poisons are inside them! And even if you did, then you'd want to bottle them up and sell them as hairspray because that's what they do nowadays and look at all the money they make off of it!
There was an old woman who swallowed a bird,
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
Why, back in my day, eating birds was kosher! We fried up pigeons and blue jays and cocker spaniels... oh, wait, I meant cockatiels, silly old me. And what's this obsession with death? I bet this was written by a Satanist!
There was an old woman who swallowed a cat,
Imagine that: to swallow a cat!
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
Perhaps you should learn how to fix run-on sentences, little writer person! Why, back in my day, sentences didn't have any feet and they couldn't run! Sentences were only one word! And you knew what people meant!
There was an old woman who swallowed a dog,
What a hog to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
Oh, I'm sorry, everybody! Granny's mind is going. We DID fry up cockerspaniels back when I lived on the farm as a little girl. I just plum forgot. And speaking of goats...
There was an old woman who swallowed a goat,
Just opened her throat! to swallow a goat,
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
I remember the first time I ate a goat! We got tired of just drinking its milk and boy, was it good when you mixed the two together! Goat lung, goat liver, goat pate, goat juice... never got tired of goat!
There was an old woman who swallowed a cow,
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat,
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.
Back in my day, when we were in the Extreme Depression, which was before the Great Depression and a lot more depressing, I might add... we used to eat anything and everything! Cows, dogs, rats, tables, chairs, helium, books, carburetors, tax forms, penicillin, partially digested rotary wheels, and grasshoppers! Of course, back then, half of those things didn't even exist so we were just eating things that didn't exist! That's how hungry we were! And we ate things that didn't exist, and we LIKED it.
There was an old woman who swallowed a horse,
She's dead—of course!
Thank God! My prunes kicked in two verses ago. Granny's got to take a big old white dump.
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[20 Apr 2005|11:12pm] |
It's been a while since I've updated, but I moved to Florida and just got the internet back today. Now, I know what you're saying, "Why didn't you go to Kinko's and update?" I just don't like the thought of someone else's greasy perverted porn watching fingers being on the same keyboard and mouse as mine are. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm old-fashioned.
I've been sitting around eating Pay Days and watching the pope's funeral... My friend Marge went to see it and took a video. I just bought me one of those Deeviedee players, or whatever the kids are calling them. I can't figure out how to rewind my videos but thankfully, when I put them back in later, they start over from the beginning.
What happened to good old movie reels, anyway? What was wrong with those? Are you too much of a ninny to store 50 movie reels in your basement? At least you have a basement. The closest thing I had to a basement was when they took my title of Sugar Queen and made me Splenda Princess.
But that's a whole other story for another day.
Right now, I've got to deal with incontinence.
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| Diff'rent Strokes |
[03 Jun 2004|01:02pm] |
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Well, wouldn't you know it? I was playing golf when all of a sudden, I had a stroke!
Hahaha, get it?
Eh. *throws hand out*
Anyway, I was on Ebay earlier looking at undergarments... and when I say undergarments, I don't mean disposables. Granny can still pee when she wants to.
All this newfangled crap is getting me all in a tizzy. What was wrong with the old days when you bought things at a store? What was wrong with the old days when we didn't even HAVE the internet? Hell, back then, we only had one store and if you wanted to buy something and they didn't have it, too bad! You didn't get it! And if you DID get it, you had to walk fifteen miles through the snow and the rain to pay for it because the people who ran the store lived that far away and it was on an honor system, because back then, everyone trusted everyone else. Stealing was unheard of except for by psychopaths! You just didn't do it!
The only things that were stolen were glances at my chest! You might not believe it, but I was quite the looker back then. I could pass for Ava Gardner before she was even popular! I had three titties just in case one of them fell off or got damaged. Always carry a spare, my grandmother used to tell me.
That's not the only thing she used to tell me. She used to tell me to watch my step when I was climbing mountains to go to the drugstore. The thing is, we only had one drug, and no one knew what it did, so you just had to take it and hope that it cured whatever you had! Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
Well, I'm sorry for being gone so long, but sometimes an old lady just has to rest her tired feet and her plastic hip. Actually, that's my late husband's plastic hip. Both of mine are real. But I still have to rest it or it gets cranky. Why, I remember this one time, I was having a dinner party... and we only had one guest show up! And that was me! And that plastic hip got so danged undone, I had to give it a back massage... and that's hard to do when you don't have a back to work with, let me tell you that.
My lord... this prune juice has settled faster than I thought it would. I've got to go drop H-Bombs on China, so I'll have to talk to you kids later!
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[12 Jan 2004|04:12pm] |
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Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!
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[06 Jan 2004|11:32am] |
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Don't you know I'm miffed that I'm not the stereotypical grandma? I don't have a war wound from saving soldiers! If I got me one o'them, it would be dandy!
You know that song Daisy Bell by Harry Dacre? If you're not familiar with it, it goes like this. *sings a little diddy*
There is a flower within my heart, Daisy, Daisy!
Planted one day by a glancing dart; planted by Daisy Bell!
Whether she loves me or loves me not,
Sometimes it's hard to tell;
Yet I am longing to share the lot - of beautiful Daisy Bell!
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!
It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle made for two.
We will go 'tandem' as man and wife, Daisy, Daisy!
'Peddling' away down the road of life, I and my Daisy Bell!
When the road's dark we can both despise
P'licemen and 'lamps' as well;
There are 'bright lights’ in the dazzling eyes
Of beautiful Daisy Bell!
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!
It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle made for two.
I will stand by you in 'wheel' or woe, Daisy, Daisy!
You'll be the bell(e) which I'll ring you know!
Sweet little Daisy Bell!
You'll take the 'lead' in each 'trip' we take,
Then if I don't do well, I will permit you to
Use the brake, My beautiful Daisy Bell!
Oh, that was so wonderful! I love that song! Anyway, that song was written about yours truly because back in the day, she was a real ringer!
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[21 Dec 2003|03:42pm] |
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Damnit, my back hurts like the Dickens! At least I have some new friends who I can talk to. Back in my day, we didn't have any friends. If you wanted a friend, you had to make one... and by make one, I mean make one! Hell, I remember my first friend was a rock, a banana, and three stolen hubcaps! Of course, back in my day we didn't have hubcaps so I had to pretend it was hubcaps when it was really pie crusts! And we didn't have crust back then so it was just air!
We didn't have anything to do back then, heavens to Betsy! If you got bored, there wasn't any television to watch... and when we finally got T.V.s, there were only two channels and one of those was the news! The other one didn't work. So you either had to watch the news or pretend like you're watching a movie about blizzards... and you liked it!
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[16 Dec 2003|08:07pm] |
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Sonny and Cher - I Got You Babe |
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I just got an Oldies CD and all it has is new crap! Sonny and Cher isn't old music. Back in my day we didn't have Sonny and Cher; we just had a pile of dirty rocks and our rotting leprosy and we made the best of it we can. In my day, there weren't greatest hits; no one ever bought any music, because there wasn't any music. If you wanted music, you just had to not have music, and that's the way it was. The closest you could come to music was tapping your fingers on the glass of some store, but if you tapped too rhythmically the store owner would come out waving a frying pan screaming, "Hey! Don't you be tryin' to make no music 'cause there ain't no such thing!" at the top of his lungs.
And that was on a good day.
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| Quilting |
[08 Dec 2003|08:26pm] |
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I was quilting a blanket earlier and I accidentally impaled myself. Knitting needles these days have no respect for their elders. Why, just the other day, I saw some punk needles out on the street and they were shooting up thread, and I thought, "That's so sad what the world has come to today." But then again, what can you do? You can bitch at those little punks all the time! That's what! Goddamn whippersnappers.
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[08 Dec 2003|01:02am] |
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Back in my day, we didn't have sex. If you wanted to reproduce, you had to balance on your head and squeeze a dick out over your bottom end and hope the semen dripped in the right hole. But back then, women only had one hole and that's where little shits like you came from.
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| In my day, we didn't have subjects... and we liked it. |
[06 Dec 2003|09:16pm] |
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I don't know if I'll get the hang of this internet mumbo-jumbo, but I can at least type in this thing here. Back in my day, we didn't have online journals. Heck, we didn't even have journals. If you wanted to remember something, you had to carve it into your skin with a rusty pair of scissors... and there was only one pair of scissors in the whole town and if you didn't have 'em, you were flat screwed. One day, my sister Louise lost them and near about messed up everyone's life.
Boy, I love this comfy old chair of mine. It's seen me through many a disease. Shingles, flus, AIDS, diarrhea, gonorrhea, Ria Bancroft. God, what that woman could do with a lump of clay.
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